


There's Still a Mountain to Climb

by ObscuredByLoss



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship, Bisexual Billy Hargrove, Bisexual Steve Harrington, Confused Billy Hargrove, Fix-It, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Pining, Post-Season/Series 03, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-06-10 03:09:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19490638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObscuredByLoss/pseuds/ObscuredByLoss
Summary: Three months after the Battle of Starcourt Billy's having trouble putting the past behind him. The horrific things that happened and his role in them haunt his memories. Thankfully, he's found an unlikely friend in Steve Harrington who has some experience dealing with trauma. But it turns out trauma might not be the only thing they share, and friendship might not be the best word for what's between them.A collection of post season 3 scenes  given in chronological order all from the same story which I might actually write in its entirety someday.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is set post season 3. Billy was injured but survived the battle. Him and El kept in touch and before she moved she made him promise he'd try and open up to more people saying he needed friends. So, he tries to do that with Steve, one of the only people he thinks might be able to understand.

"I remember it, Harrington. All those people. I did it. I remember Heather tied up on the ground of the steel works. She was so scared. I can still hear her screams. S-she probably thought I was going to…" Billy trails off as a tear rolls down his cheek and he scrubs it away. Steve grabs his shoulder giving it a rough squeeze while Billy lets out a sob "...ah fuck, Harrington. I…" He trails off again hiding his face behind trembling hands. "I wanted that thing to kill me back there. It feels, felt, like it was the only way I could break even. I've done so many bad things, even before that thing got to me. Hell, you know. What am I supposed to do now? H-how can I ever make this right?"

Steve's hand squeezed Billy's shoulder tighter his fingers digging into the leather clad muscle. "You live, Billy, and every day you just try to do a little better."

"I don't fucking know how!" Billy screamed in frustration wrapping his arms around his ribs tight. His eyes were red and puffy.

"I can help, one former asshole to another. Trust me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Head full of fantasies of dyin’ like a martyr? ...Dying is easy, young man. Living is harder" -Right Hand Man, Hamilton


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey, Robin, how'd you know you liked girls?"

"Shut up, dingus!" Robin said in panic as she scans the small store for stray customers within earshot.

"Relax, it's almost closing time on a weekday. No one's going to come in."

Robin sat down in a huff letting the tension drain out of her shoulders. She was still weary, the world wasn't a kind place to people like her, but she had to concede the store would probably be empty the rest of the night.

"So…?" Steve prompted.

"So what?"

"How'd you know?"

"A little bird flew through my window and told me." She said sarcastically. It was nice that Steve had accepted her, great even, but she was still a little uncomfortable talking about it in the open. She kept waiting for him to brush her off or be grossed out but he kept surprising her.

"C'mon."

"Well, how do you know when you like someone?"

Steve sat back in his chair contemplatively running a hand through his hair. "Well, I guess it's this feeling in my chest. Sort of a warm feeling when I look at them. And my skin tingles when I touch them. I can always tell when they're around, like a fifth sense or something."

"Sixth sense."

"That's what I said."

"No it-," Robin stopped herself taking a bit of a breath to refocus. "It's like that for me too. When I got a crush on Tammy I felt all those things. I'll admit I didn't really get the memo at first. I just thought I wanted to be friends, be close to her, but it didn't take long to realize it was more than that."

"Have you ever been with a girl?"

"Steve!"

"What? I'm your friend I'm just curious!"

"No, I've never had a girlfriend. Hawkins is...small. And everybody talks, and what would I even say?"

"You just gotta be smooth, charm them."

"Oh no! I am not taking pointers from you. Do you remember the whiteboard?" They both laughed.

"Have you," Steve clears his throat. "Have you ever felt like that about a guy?"

"Steve…" Robin sighs. She knew he'd developed feelings for her during the whole kidnapped by Russians thing but she thought he'd gotten past that.

"No, no it's not like that," Steve hurried to assure her. "I just mean i-if you've felt like that about a girl is it possible to feel that way about a guy too?"

Robin looked at Steve curiously. His hands were fidgeting with the hem of his shirt and he wouldn't meet her eye.

"Steve, do you have a crush on a guy?"

"No! What? No!" Steve's voice is high and tight.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a short speech Steve gives Billy when he's feeling depressed about everything that happened.

"I can't say I understand what you've been through, because the truth is I have no fucking clue. But I know what it's like to be scared shitless, to be attacked by something so incomprehensibly, just,  _ wrong _ that you have no idea how you could possibly survive. And to realize that people are going to die because of something you did. I can't tell you how to get past that 'cause I haven't, but it helps to remind yourself of the people that are still here. The ones that survived because of what you did. Billy, you saved us, all of us, in that mall. You fought that monster off with your  _ bare hands _ ! You're braver than I was. You're a hero."


	4. Chapter 4

Billy liked _women_ . He danced with, kissed, and fucked _women_. So what if he got off to thoughts of a smooth flat chest and angled jaw in the shower. It didn't matter. It was just about release, relief. Whatever got him off. He'd never try anything in reality. He didn't want to! He just thought about it. So what if it was always Harrington? Because it was always Harrington. And his thick hair. It was his pouting lips and slim frame. So what if it happened more days than not? 

It used to be infrequent. Just cracking open a door long ago thought locked. Just dipping his toe past the threshold, bathing it in a new and bright room. But once the knob's been turned its so easy to just shove the door open all the way, let the light in.

After the first time, after that Halloween party, Billy had been scared. He'd trembled with fear and disgust at his actions. What was wrong with him? There must be some broken connection in his brain, crossed wires misfiring and shocking him. He'd made himself a promise to never think of it again. And he'd kept that promise...for all of two months.

There was the fight. That fight. He thought that had been it. That he'd beat that strange, ugly part of himself into submission along with Harrington's face. But it persisted, that curiously incandescent light spilled from the under that forbidden door in his mind and he'd cracked it open again. It'd been easier the second time. His hands had trembled less, the ringing in his ears and panic in his heart had faded faster.

After that he couldn't stop himself. He'd tried. He told himself every time that it was the last, knowing it was a lie. By now it was nearly routine. Take a shower in the morning, think of Harrington panting his name, and jerk off. It didn't change much. He'd still ignored the guy. 

Out there in the real world they weren't friends, they weren't even enemies anymore. Not since Max's threat. He'd been proud of her, in a weird way, he'd respected her. So, he left her little band of weirdos alone. Harrington included.

Then July happened. And he couldn't ignore them anymore. _It_ wouldn't let him. Afterward, he'd tried to keep ignoring Harrington. He'd tried to keep everyone away, worried it wasn't over. Worried that _It_ wasn't completely gone. But that weird little girl, El, had broken through. Opened the shell of his defenses, exposing him and all the vulnerable, painful, hidden places. Another door he could never close again.

Then she left. Story of his life.

Finally, he'd turned back to Harrington. It was difficult but he'd promised El he'd talk to someone and really who else was there? One of the other kids? _Nancy_? 

Against all odds, against a bloody, bruised past they'd become something like friends. Not friends exactly, but something like it. Survivors. Two broken plates in the same set. Difference being Billy had been the one to break them both. Steve had...not forgiven him, but accepted Billy in a way Bill'd never been able to accept himself.

Was it a little fucked up he still thought of Steve in the shower three months after they'd become not-friends? Yeah. Billy knew that, but he didn't think he'd be able to stop if he tried, and that scared him. So he didn't try. Besides, it help him stop thinking of the screams of friends, colleagues, strangers. He thought he deserved the scant few moments of respite, however brief. He just didn't analyze it.

In fact, he tried to think of it as little as possible. The fantasies were well worn paths in his neurons that he only let his mind wander at a certain time, in a certain place. He needed the routine, the boundaries. Otherwise he knew he'd get lost on those trails, those labyrinthine images of Harrington with damp, mussed hair, out of breath and sweaty.

Billy whined at the back of his throat as his hand sped up, water dripping from his soapy fingers. 

_Billy! Oh, Billy!_ Steve'd moan, his face flushed and head thrown back.

"Steve," Billy whispered into the spray of water.

Harrington's hands would be rough, calloused, when they grasped him. He knew from the glancing touches he'd snatched. Harrington would peer at him with those big brown eyes, his pupils blown with arousal.

Billy's heart thudded in his chest, he could hear it's erratic rhythm. Steve would want to touch him. Would his eyes close as Billy stroked him in return? No, he'd keep his eyes open. Yeah, he'd want to look at Billy, watch his face as he fell apart under Steve's hands. Admiring and appreciative, lustful.

"Ah! Ah!" Billy choked out as he painted the grimy tile of the shower in stark white stripes. He groaned as his hand jerked a few more strokes, his cock dribbling out a last drop.

He braced his forearm against the wall and slumped against it, his thighs still trembling. He rested there for a minute just watching water stream from the tip of his nose and breathing. Then he cupped some water in his hands and washed away any evidence of what he'd done.

It didn't matter. It didn't mean anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might edit this into a full fic one day. Not sure yet.
> 
> "It's alright, it's okay. You're not a monster, just a human and you made a few mistakes." -It's Alright by Mother Mother


	5. Bi-problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Billy end up taking Robin to a gay bar out of town. Steve has some realisations which he then, impulsively, decides to share with Billy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Subtitle: thoughts my terrified, self-conscious Bi-brain had in the early aughts.
> 
> WARNING, HOMOPHOBIC LANGUAGE AND INTERNALISED HOMOPHOBIA

"I think I might be gay?"

Billy goes temporarily deaf as a loud ringing reverberates through his head. "What?"

"I think I'm gay." Steve says with more confidence.

"No, you're not. You've just been spending too much time with Robin. What about Nancy?"

"Okay, well, I like both then."

"Does it fucking matter? If you like both why not just date women? It's easier. No one's going to give you shit for fucking a chick."

"I can't just  _ ignore _ part of myself."

"Why the fuck not? You think anyone's going to stop beating the shit out of you because you  _ also _ like pussy. You'd do better to just pretend you never had this little revelation. The world's a fucking ugly place, it's not going to go easy on you because you're  _ half _ a fag."

"I can't help who I fall in love with."

"You can't love a guy."

"Why not?"

"You just  _ can't _ "

"I think I could."

"Think about it.  _ Really _ think about it. What would you do with this guy? Are you going to bring him home to you parents, tell them he's your  _ boyfriend _ ," Billy sneers. "How would you even have sex together? It's fucking disgusting."

"It's not disgusting."

"Yeah? Dicks turn you on now? One of those fucking fairies give you a nice handy and turn you queer?"

"It wasn't like that," Steve rolls his eyes. He was deeply regretting opening up to Billy fucking Hargrove. Honestly, what did he think would happen? "Before Robin I'd never really thought about it. But now...I-I think about it a lot. At the bar I  _ like _ dancing with other guys. I want to do more."

Billy was struck dumb. He could feel his speeding pulse in his neck and he was starting to sweat. "What about your parents?" He croaked out in a hoarse voice.

"I don't think I could be any more of a failure to them than I already am."

"They'll probably kick you out...or worse."

"Then I'll fucking leave! I'm tired of living by other people's expectations. We almost died! The entire town was almost killed by some monster from another dimension! I'm done giving a shit about what anyone thinks."

Billy's silent.

"Are you going to be an ass about this? I mean, more than you already are?"

"...No. Just don't tell me about it. I don't want to hear about you sucking some guy's cock."

"God you're a dick." 

"You must  _ really _ like me then." Billy says around a chuckle.

"Fuck off!" Steve says without any heat as he smiles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was cathartic and depressing!


	6. Chapter 6

"So, who is it?" Robin asks around a smirk as she leans next to Steve at the customer service counter of the video store. It’s been a busy day, an ‘all hands on deck’ kind of day, but things have started to slow down and Robin figured she could take a couple minutes break from rewinding tapes without Keith noticing. He was too busy trying to restock shelves to really notice anyway.

"Who's what?" Steve threw back, still leaned over the counter, hip cocked to the side in an abhorrent display of bad posture.

"You secret man crush?" She whispered, leaning in so there was no chance they’d be overheard. She’d tried to respect his privacy but it’d been _weeks_! There was only so much waiting she could do. Besides, Steve’d managed to keep the Upside-down a secret from her for months so there was no telling how long he’d keep her in the dark this time.

"I don't have a man-crush!" Steve whispers indignantly, finally standing up in a huff.

"C'mon, I told you about Tammy!" Robin whines. It really wasn’t fair.

"There's nothing to tell!" Steve flails his arms and tries to shove her away from the counter. Robin rolls her eyes but goes easily. She’d leave him alone for a while.

Steve sighs as she leaves and goes back to leaning over the counter and waiting for customers. He picks up one of the pens and starts trying to twirl it around his thumb lazily. It doesn’t take long for his mind to start wandering. He really doesn’t have a secret man-crush. Maybe he’s been feeling a little closer to Billy since July but that was just friendship. He didn’t even really know what a man-crush felt like. He hadn’t even realized he liked guys until last week, how was he supposed to know what it felt like to have a crush on one?

Steve’s hand stilled as his thoughts spiraled and his eyes gazed unfocused at the video shelves in front of the counter.

Well, according to Robin it felt the same, right? Was there anyone he felt like that about? Steve racked his brain to try and come up with anyone he might be harbouring feelings for but came up empty. Robin and Billy were the only people his age he’d really been spending any amount of time with since he graduated. Why was Robin so convinced he even had a crush?

Sure he could appreciate Billy’s physique, the guy worked out. Maybe, _maybe_ Steve recognized that that appreciation might be a little sexual, but so what? He’d had a thing for Robin before she came out to him. Just because he could appreciate his friend’s body didn’t mean he had _feelings_ for him. Yeah, they spent a lot of time together. And, sure, Billy was the first person Steve had come out to but that was just an impulsive action, not really a decision. Well, he did call Billy a lot too. Come to think of it Steve couldn’t really remember a day in the past few weeks where they hadn’t at least talked. More often than not the other teen would drive his camaro over to Steve’s, maybe even spend the night if he thought his dad wouldn’t mind. And he cared about Billy. But any friend would want to be there for him, the guy was hurting. He still blamed himself for everything the Mind-flayer did. Steve just wanted to wrap his arms around Billy, wanted to force him to forgive his part in all of that madness, wanted to show him someone had forgiven him. He wanted to show him that Steve cared about him. He wanted to….he wanted….fuck.

"Ewww. Is it Keith?" Robin’s eyes dart back and forth between Steve’s unfocused staring and their boss, who must’ve started shelving tapes in front of the customer service counter a couple minutes ago.

"What?" Steve shakes himself out of his stupor realizing he’d been staring at Keith’s back for roughly five minutes.

"Keith, really?" Robin asks a disgusted curl to her lip as she looks over at the store manager.

"No! It's not Keith!" Steve insists.

"So you do have one?" Robin smirks and leans in conspiratorial.

"It's not anybody! Because I'm not gay!" Steve practically shouts, his heart beating a panicked rhythm in his chest. Keith glares at him from over his shoulder and Steve gives him a nervous lopsided smile that was really more of a grimace.


	7. Chapter 7

Steve opens his red front doors scrubbing sleep out of his aching eyes at one in the morning. “Billy?”

Billy shuffles his feet against the concrete front porch. It’s far from the first time he’s run to Steve’s with his tail between his legs but the shame curls through him every time. “Hey.”

“C’mon in.” Steve steps back opening the door wider in a display of welcome before starting his walk to the kitchen knowing Billy will follow. The impulse to be a good host drilled into him from an early age. “Can I get you anything? Water? Beer?”

“Uh, beer would be good.” Billy follows Steve through the mini-mansion. The first few times Steve had invited him over he’d been unable to shake the wrongness of sitting on a sofa more expensive than his car. That feeling of being an intruder still niggles at the back of his brain but it’s lessened every time Steve smiles at him from across the sterile room or excitedly digs through his record collection to find something he’s _sure_ Billy will like. Besides, it’s not like he really feels like he belongs even in his own home.

“Here.” Steve slides a PBR across the marble topped island in the middle of the large kitchen. Since he’s started buying his own beer on their weekend road trips to Ohio he’d developed a palate for something a little cheaper. it was certainly easier to hide it during his parent’s infrequent pitstops home than hope his dad didn’t notice his magically evaporating whiskey bottles.

The two boys stood in the kitchen nursing their drinks for a couple minutes. It always started this way. The first few times Steve had tried to get Billy to talk too soon. He’d learned quickly that you couldn’t rush something like this. Instead he stood patiently in the halogen light playing with the beading condensation on his beer can and waited.

Billy cleared his throat.

“I…” Billy’s eyes drop to the countertop, his fingers tracing the intricate patterns in the stone. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Billy’s shoulders tensed pulling up in a clearly defensive posture. He stayed quiet. Steve held back a sigh. He knew he could be frustrating to talk to sometimes but he couldn’t hold a candle to Billy stonewalling.

“C’mon.” Steve grabbed the six-pack and started walking towards the living room. He slid the dimmer switch midway down it’s track letting his eyes relax into the soft light. He made his way over to the couch and settled back into the well-stuffed cushion and waited for Billy to join him. It wasn’t long before he shuffled into the room. He sat on the other end of the couch leaving a healthy distance between them. 

Steve had noticed that since he’d shared his revelation about his sexuality with Billy the other boy had been oddly cautious about not touching him. It made Steve feel a little sick to think about. He knew he should just be happy that Billy hadn’t given him a repeat performance of November but he hated being treated like he was in quarantine. It made him feel even worse knowing he deserved it. 

Not for liking other guys, he’d gotten over that pretty quickly. He knew he deserved it because he _did_ have a crush on Billy. He savored the touches they’d share, the little stolen moments just between the two of them. It made him feel dirty, perverted. Billy was clearly still uncomfortable with Steve being queer and here was Steve fantasizing about what Billy’s lips would feel like against his own. He was trying his hardest to just shove his feelings aside but try as he might, he couldn’t help his heart from racing when Billy looking into his eyes, or the way his stomach fluttered when Billy laughed at a joke he made.

“You know you can talk to me, Billy.” Steve spoke softly, hoping he could coax Billy into sharing with him. It would be easier on both of them if they just stayed apart. Maybe that way Steve could get over this dumb infatuation and be the normal friend Billy deserved. However, they were both painfully aware that there was no one else. 

Regardless of Billy’s undeniable popularity the NDA he’d been coerced to sign prevented him from talking to anyone else. Steve was all too aware that that was the reason Billy always turned to him. If it weren’t for that piece of government sanctioned paper Billy’d probably have gone to _Tommy’s_ tonight. Well, maybe not Tommy’s but definitely not Steve’s. So Steve did his best to suck it up and try and be the person Billy needed right now. 

Billy took a large swig of his beer and wiped the foam from his lips after, pulling the skin more aggressively than necessary.

"How can I be okay with myself?” It was a near whisper when Billy finally spoke. “How can I be okay with what I've seen, what I've _done?_ Sometimes, I won't think about it for a day or two, maybe a week, and then I'll catch myself smiling or laughing and think 'Heather should be here not me'. What right do I have to fucking _laugh_ when she died screaming by my hand?” Billy’s voice rose as he spoke. Anger seeped from between his teeth, his hands clenched white-knuckled against his knees. “So you tell me, Harrington, how do I live with that?"

"Billy, it-" Steve reached out a tentative hand into the ample space between them. It hung there impotent, they’d sat too far apart for Steve to try and touch Billy.

"-Don't say it wasn't me because I still have the memories!" Billy shouts. "I still have to watch them play on a loop in my head like some sick Clockwork Orange torture. I don't think I can do it anymore." Billy's voice is thick and rough as it tapers out. Steve can feel the thick lump at the back of his throat forming at Billy’s words. He wished there was some way to carry this pain for him. But there isn’t. 

Billy’s shoulders shudder as Steve hears a choked back sob echo off the room’s walls. His heart clenches painfully in his chest and he can’t take it anymore. He scoots across the couch and grabs Billy around his broad shoulders pulling him into his embrace. Without hesitation Billy crumples into his side. He turns in Steve’s arms and presses his tear-tracked face into Steve’s chest, he wraps his arms around the taller boy and squeezes almost too painfully. Steve can feel Billy hiccoughing in short breaths and where Billy's pressed his face against him Steve notices the cold wetness of tears seeping through his shirt.

It takes a few minutes of soft rocking but finally Billy's breaths turn steadier. He tightens his arms once, briefly, before letting go of Steve and shirking out of his arms. “Sorry.” Billy says, his voice rough as he scrubs at his eyes.

“Billy, you don’t have to apologize.” 

“I woke you up in the middle of the night to cry all over your shirt like some pussy. I think the least you deserve is a goddamn apology.” Billy’s voice grows steadier as he talks and Steve tries not to feel hurt as he shifts further away, choosing to press himself against the end of the couch than continue touching Steve in any way.

Steve takes Billy’s cue and shifts away from the Californian to give him space, make him feel more comfortable.

“I should go.” Billy says around one last shuddering breath.

“No!” Steve says, probably a little too urgently. “Billy, you don’t have to go. You can stay for the night. I’ve got a spare room.”

Billy reaches for his beer gulping down a few long pulls.

“Please stay.” Steve pleads. Shit, was that too queer? Steve tried not to panic as Billy stilled next to him.

“Yeah, alright.”

They both finish off their beers in an awkward silence. After, Steve leads Billy upstairs his heart beating a little too quickly. He hates himself a little for how nervous he’s getting leading Billy to a bed in his house. He leaves him there by the doorway making sure to let him know where the bathroom was and assuring him if he needs anything not to hesitate to wake him up even though they both know Billy’s not one to seek help lightly. Steve retreats to his own room leaving the door open a crack so he can hear if Billy tries to leave. He sits in the darkness for a while unable to drift off until he hears the muffled snores coming from the spare room.


End file.
